"Turn your wounds into wisdom" -Oprah

The power of love amazes me, both the positive and negative side to it. It's insane the power you give a person when you let your guard down and give them your heart. How many times will we have to experience these pro's and cons before we find someone who can respect and care for this gift they have been given..?

Love has the power to disguise or blind you from the negative part of a person, or just give you the balls to knowingly take the risk despite knowing this person's unfavorable characteristics. The risk you take when giving someone your heart is a big one. How could a feeling that once had me constantly smiling now turn on me and bring me down to a new low? It scares me... You're heartbroken, crying yourself to sleep, unable to eat, barely able to function normally, and despite having your family and friends trying to do everything they can to bring you back up and despite knowing that these feelings are being felt by a billion other people around the world with broken hearts you still feel lonely...

It scares me how someone can bring you down to this level even when you did everything right, even when you're undeserving of it. They say its all a learning experience but what is there to learn if you did everything you were supposed to on your part?

Is the lesson that's meant to be learned here that no matter how happy a man can make you feel to always have your guard up because he could at any moment reveal himself to be a douche lord that will just break your heart like the other dicksickles?

Moving on has never been harder but its a must, I can't regret anything though... I appreciate all the good times we shared but at the same time I will never be the same girl I was before and will never love the same but... hopefully... I'm not even sure anymore... I just never want to allow someone to have the power to hurt me like this.

"If you don't learn from your past mistakes, then your past itself was a mistake."

Motivation

So one of my big tests for dog training school is coming up and I've had such a hard time lately focusing on my studies... It's been really frustrating but for some reason i get side-tracked by something stupid or i just come home really tired from work and knock-out. Anywho today i went shopping with Geylinkin to millenia and we were supposed to go to a ceramics class but instead i decided last minute that i should go study, and in my head i was like "ughhhh! i'm so sick of this chapter!!!!"

So we're driving out of the parking lot and i said "I should go to the shelter, i need to get motivated for class again" and Geylinkin was like "Ok! Lets go i've never been!" and i'm thinking oh my god... you've never been.. and warned her ahead of time that the pound was no fun place... So we go to the Orange County Animal Services (aka the dog pound) and I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for this (I've been here a couple time before) and we walk in and proceed to the dog kennels... and my heart broke more and more after each kennel i would walk past... I saw dogs skinny, dirty, and all boogery. Some would run right up to you and others would just cower in a corner and just shake... The smaller dogs had a heater going on but the larger kennels didn't so it was pretty cold... As we were leaving we saw this shaggy, big, black, dog... I think her name was "Lady Bear" on her kennel. She was about 5 or 6 years old, her fur was dirty and dull, she was a mut and beneath her eyes were crusty and it made her look like she had tears running down her face.. She was big dog and she wasn't adopted yet :( We sat infront of her kennel and just stared at her, she licked our hands through the bars and it was so depressing! When i read the rest of her information she only had 2 days left before her review date and i knew that no one was going to adopt her.. She wasn't a purebred or a teacup, she was a bigger dog, she was dirty, and she looked intimidating but she was so sweet to us! So right then and there my motivation came back to me... That is why i want to train animals, that is why i enrolled in the training school and spent the last 6 years of my savings for this training program... to help make dogs like Miss Lady Bear become more adoptable so they can live with a loving family like they deserve to.. It's not their fault these animals end up in the pound and euthanized, it's because of stupid people who aren't educated on spaying their animals or have a pet for the wrong reasons and end up realizing that they can't take care of them! Also the recession has led many dog owners to give up their pets because they can't afford them which is sad :(

The dog in the picture isn't Lady Bear, its another dog waiting to get adopted.. He's a 2 month old puppy that was dumped at the cemtery with just a bowl and a blanket... I have hope for him though...

Anyways, anyone reading this please think twice before spending $600 on a puppy that most likely came from a puppy mill where those dogs are severely neglected and mistreated (I'll leave that for another blog!) go to your local shelter and adopt! They come with all their vaccines and nudered or spayed and ready to go! They even have ferrets and bunnies too sometimes! Geylinkin actually might adopt one of the bunnies from there :)

first timer

So this is my first blog... As many of you know I am now officially single, for the first time in 3 and half years... It was a difficult decision to make but one that had to be made, it's just like Kelly told me "As soon as you start feeling miserable it's time to go." which is exactly what I did. The following weeks were pretty hectic trying to deal with my anger and sadness and my angry parents which eventually just led into an overall disconnect with everything around me for a while.. I felt like the past 3 years of my life were wasted... I kept thinking of the people I let go of, the opportunities I missed, just everything that I felt let pass me by during that time period. I really thought I could overcome the obstacles in the relationship and fight for the good times we had but I just couldn’t anymore...
Anyways I eventually got myself back together for the most part and realized that it wasn't a waste of my time because it was a learning experience. I really discovered so much about myself that I need to improve from this last relationship that I needed to in order for me to grow from that experience. Now I just need to learn how to be single again... lol And I’m learning that a lot of guys can be pretty lame and pathetic...
Anyways, I want to end this blog with thanking everyone who has helped me through these tough times... A lot of times they helped me without even knowing it and words can't describe how grateful i am for it. They know who they are... I also got to know some people a lot better these past few months and I'm really grateful to have gotten to do so. For anyone who stayed up late listening to me cry, given me advice, made me laugh, kept me distracted, and helped keep me from going insane thank you...